Babies get upset at bedtime. This can be due to many factors, but most commonly:

They’d rather be awake than asleep. Active, busy babies are often grumpy about nap time – they don’t like to miss out on anything and will often resist naps.
They are being put down before they are ready. If this happens often, they can start to dread bedtime because they know they’ll be awake in their cot for a while, waiting to become tired enough to fall asleep.
They don’t know how to self settle. If you’re trying to teach your baby how to fall asleep in their cot, and they are not used to falling asleep there, they’re going to be grumpy about it.

First, rule out:

Pain and discomfort. An uncomfortable baby will be upset at bedtime when there is little to distract them from their discomfort. If your baby has mucous or blood in their poo, or if their poo is frothy or runny, their tummy may be feeling sore or irritated. Follow this up with your GP or paediatrician.
Eczema. Dry, rough skin, even if very mild, can interrupt sleep, causing settling difficulties and frequent night waking. If your child has eczema, make sure it is well controlled with steroid ointment, speak to your GP, and read this Royal Children’s Hospital information sheet.
Hunger. If your baby fed recently then that’s great, but if it’s been a while since their last feed then offer a quick feed before you press on with settling them.

Then check you’ve got the environment just right:

Darkness. Most babies struggle to wind down for sleep if there is too much visual stimulation. They may hyper-focus on an object or the light coming in around the blinds and become more and more upset. These babies tend to settle much more easily when the room is very dark and uninteresting. Invest in block out blinds or throw a blanket or sheet over the curtain rail, remove mobiles from above the cot, and get down on your baby’s level – what can they see that may be distracting them? Dark, boring bedrooms are best for sleep.
Wind down routine. A consistent calming routine that follows the same order in the lead up to bedtime and nap time, prepares your baby for sleep.
Mask loud noises. Use white noise or a similar boring and consistent noise if your baby is bothered by traffic sounds, other siblings, neighbours, etc.

If you’ve checked off the above factors, you’re ready to think about the psychology behind your baby’s crying.

I want you to imagine you are standing in front of a vending machine. There’s a button on the front, but you can’t see what’s inside the machine. You press the button to see what happens, and a square of chocolate comes out. What would you do next? You would probably press the button again to see what happens.

Now imagine that the next time you press the button an entire block of chocolate comes out. And then the next time you press the button it’s a toy car.

It’s human nature to continue pressing the button to see what will come out next – especially if it’s something different every time, and especially if your favourite treat (chocolate!) sometimes appears.

But what happens if every single time the button is pressed, just one square of chocolate comes out, every single time? Psychological researchers will tell you that the predictability and monotony of the single cube of chocolate, becomes boring pretty quickly and humans usually stop pressing the button.

How does this relate to crying at bedtime?

As your baby grows they start to understand the world around them. If every time they cry at bedtime (akin to pushing the button) you do the same predictable, reassuring things, they will stop pushing the button (crying) sooner.

Why? Because they know what to expect from you and it starts to become old. They don’t feel so motivated to get worked up, when the same reassuring (yet rather boring) thing happens.

This doesn’t mean you have to leave them alone for long stretches of time, or listen to them crying without responding, it just means that when you reassure them you will help them calm down faster by sticking to the same type of reassurance, over and over again.

Now imagine if when your baby cries, you do something different every time – maybe you start with a pat, but then they cry more so you sing AND pat, then if the crying continues you walk away for 5 minutes because you’re frustrated, then when you return you pick them up and feed them. This type of response will increase your baby’s crying because they don’t understand what will happen next, and they may randomly receive something nice, like a feed. Just like the vending machine example above, when a response is unpredictable, we are inclined to keep pressing the button to see what will happen next.

If you stick to one way of settling and remain consistent, your baby will start to calm down. Every time you apply the same approach at bedtime it should get a little easier and they should start to fall asleep quicker.

Understanding the psychology behind your baby’s crying can make it easier to persist with just one approach to settling. And when you persist with one consistent settling strategy, you’ll de-escalate, or reduce your baby’s crying at bedtime.

TASK: Have a think about how you respond to your baby at bedtime when they become upset. Pick one approach you will use to settle your baby, and stick with it.

Need more help?

The Sombelle self-guided online baby sleep clinic gives parents access to the best resources from our sleep clinic. With video lessons, downloadable resources and effective, easy to implement strategies, it’s everything you need to master your baby’s sleep.

All strategies suggested in Sombelle are designed to protect and nurture infant mental health, and can be modified to tailor fit your baby’s unique sleep needs. Sombelle was developed by Dr Fallon Cook and Dr Laura Conway. You’re in great hands.

How to reduce crying at bedtime